Hey, don't forget the little guy

BY LORETTA REDD
With the early voting states in full swing paring down the ranks of Presidential Democratic hopefuls, I wanted to take this opportunity as an ex-candidate myself, to give a moment of notoriety and an inch or two of ink to some of those ‘announced’ but unfamiliar candidates from around the country.

These patriotic souls are more likely to show up on u-tube than on CNN, but let’s take a look at a selection from our own state of California. These are folks you have likely never heard of unless you happen to live next door, are either a member of their local school board or have recently been in a mental ward, but they have all legitimately filed as candidates for the highest office in the land.
Roland Aranjo self-published an entire campaign platform book entitled, Democracy, Declaring Our Power: How the Law of Attraction Applies to Society and Democracy. I don’t know how successful he’s been in his push to overcome those ‘special’ interests he claims are ruining our democracy, but I know his Law of Attraction seems to be failing to draw supporters to his candidacy. Press on, Roland!
Then there’s Alfonzo Jones, who filed his FEC paperwork for Presidency, just as he did in 1992, 1996, 2000 and 2004…no website for Alfonzo, and no other information. Ah, the ultimate ‘sleeper’ candidate.
Among the more colorful California candidates, we have “Princess” Christina Gerasimos Billings-Elias, who claims her great uncle is a descendant of Queen Victoria. Her website declares the Princess was born to be ‘President of Our America,’ and was declared ‘The Chosen One’ according to Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. Wow, with such contemporary endorsements, I should think she’s a shoo-in.
Lest you believe all the fruits and flakes and nuts and quakes originate in California, here’s a smattering of some other hopefuls from around the country.
From John Edwards’ neck of the woods, we have Presidential contender Randy Crow of North Carolina, a small businessman who has run unsuccessfully for Wilmington City Council, then for Congress, then for President in 2000, then for Congress, then for Council again, then for US Senate, then for President in 2004 from which he withdrew to run for County Commissioner, then for President in 2008.
And we thought our once-local and still loveable Bruce Rittenhouse was the proverbial candidate. Mr. Crow adds that he is running to “get rid of the filthy communists and lots of others, like the FBI who lasered TWA Flight 800.” He also claims the “Federal Force which had some weird blood work done on me and possibly put a computer chip in.” Yep.
Sometimes, there are candidates that just make you smile, like Bob Boyer of Illinois. He lost a 2002 primary run for Jackson County Sheriff and a 2004 primary run for Jackson County Clerk of the Circuit Court. Such depth of experience apparently then compelled Bob to run for President in 2008, though no website is yet available. Hang in there, Bob, there’s a chance all the popular candidates could implode by this November.
There’s time travel candidate Warren Ashe of Virginia who was a Presidential candidate in both 2000 and 2004, and has filed again. His self-claimed biography would make the Constitutional fathers pale in comparison. How did we miss this guy, when he’s already served as “President, United Nations 1973-2003…Appointed President, United States White House 1981-2003, Vice-President, West Wing for the Carter Administration, and the Ford Administration.”
Mr. Ashe’s time travels and flying saucer trips have allowed him to “communicate 500 times with the future through flux capacitation and wormhole technology.” Something tells me Mr. Ashe has a wormhole somewhere between his aural listening devices.
We’ll end with my favorite, ‘Big Al’ Hamburg of Wyoming, the “Very Independent UNPOPULAR Candidate.” Al’s a house painter and a 20-year veteran of the Korean and Vietnam wars.
According to his information, Big Al’s claim to fame is that he makes more people mad, than he makes want to vote for him. Not the best campaign slogan there Al, but then neither was his strategy of wearing a Nazi helmet in his 2004 Presidential literature, or publicly suing a woman for breach of contract over a car he’d sold her because she was 17 occasions short of the 50 sexual encounters agreed upon as the ‘price’ of the auto.
There are many other colorful characters drawn to the concept of Presidential prowess…many seem sincere, but lacking in how to navigate the sometimes serendipitous pathway. Others are a few cards short of a full deck, but I give them credit for knowing where the seat of power lies. Isn’t this an incredibly wonderful country, where anyone who aspires to be President can run for office, regardless of what fine planet they hail from.

Loretta Redd’s column appears every Tuesday in the Daily Sound. Send your questions or comments via e-mail to loretta@santabarbarafree.com.