The yes woman

BY LESLIE DINABERG
As any 12-stepper can tell you, the thing about any kind of addiction is every time you think you’re cured, it keeps pulling you back in. So here I am, back at another meeting, after 67 days of abstinence.
My name is Leslie, and I am a yes-aholic.

It’s so simple for some people to just say NO to the y-word. It takes them NO effort at all — they just put their lips together and say, “NO!” It must be so nice to be able to effortlessly dismiss a request with a few flicks of the tongue and not a single pang of guilt. It doesn’t work that way for a yes-aholic.
Every time we say “NO” it takes a Herculean effort.
I can feel the unfamiliar syllable forming—no, no, NO—the word is just a breath away from coming out of my mouth … then it gets stuck in my throat. Inexplicably, my lips start moving and those other addictive words come out: “Yes,” or “Sure, I’ll do it,” or even worse, “Why not?”
Why not? Because I have too much to do. Because I did it the last time and it’s somebody else’s turn. Because I really just want to be at home with my family chilling out. Because I don’t want to.
Because I, Leslie Dinaberg, am a yes-aholic.
There, I did it. I’ve taken the first step toward recovery—again.
Why is it so hard for me to say “NO,” I wonder for the umpteenth time, as I sit here worrying about the dozens of other projects I have to do when I finish this column.
I wish I could blame this on an evil boss who piles on the assignments, or an evil twin who keeps saying “yes” to more volunteer opportunities, but it’s my own fault. I never seem to stop myself from saying yes to appointments and obligations and assignments that I know I don’t really have enough time for.
And here I am, stressing about my “yes” indiscretions, with NO one to blame but myself.
What’s so tough about saying “NO?”
“NO” was one of the very first words my son learned. He was practically pre-verbal but he mastered “NO” by screaming the word at the top of his lungs, usually in quiet public places. He was so good at saying “NO” that my husband and I made up a song (to the tune of that “Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow” commercial) where the word “NO” was the sole lyric.
We still perform occasionally when a toddler comes to visit.
When the “y-word” comes out my mouth instead of the “n-word,” it’s not because I’m so nice that I can’t bear to let the other person down. It’s because I have no backbone or I feel guilty or maybe its genetic. Ultimately, I know I won’t survive as a girl who can’t say NO.
I’ve been down this road before–I can be a NO (to)-it-all — but somehow, after 67 days of abstinence, here I am again, back with the old three-step program to help combat yes-aholism. I was going to do two steps, but my boss told me to do three. I said “yes.” Hmm. Anyway, you newbies just repeat after me.
1. Just say “NO” and you and the people around you will be happier. (Just ask my husband.) Always saying yes will only land you in places you don’t want to be, like therapy, divorce court, or with NO friends to complain to because you’ve alienated them all by making them look bad because you do more than they do, and you point it out to them, which is always very endearing.
2. Just say “NO” and you’ll have more enthusiasm, time and energy, for the things you do say “yes” to.
3. Just put your lips together and say “NO.” If that doesn’t work, keep your mouth shut, and turn your neck to the left, then turn it to the right. Repeat until the other person walks away.

If you need Leslie to do something for you, email Leslie@LeslieDinaberg.com. For more columns visit www.LeslieDinaberg.com.